


Inheritors

by Scedasticity



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, past Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, they're still friends though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 16:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19891063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/pseuds/Scedasticity
Summary: Envy Device's family isn't always what other people expect.





	Inheritors

Envy Device is six years old when she realizes it's odd that her parents are divorced, but still (a) live together, (b) share finances, and (c) collaborate on a podcast. She realizes it's odd _for Tadfield_ before that, obviously, but lots of things about her family are odd in Tadfield that aren't, generally.*

(*: Envy's examples of things about her family that were unusual in Tadfield but not generally would have included "being a witch" and "having been at the Notpocalypse" and "keeps computers in a safe, out-of-the-way place when not using them". Envy's perceptions of the world outside Tadfield were perhaps somewhat skewed by her extended family on both sides, Mr. Crowley and Mr. Fell, and Auntie Tracy.**)

(**: Envy has only met Auntie Tracy's 'gentleman friend' once, which is at least one more time than either of her parents would like***, but immediately recognized that he was not representative of… anything, really.)

(***: Her dad sometimes added the qualification of "Maybe after she's finished college and is thoroughly warned and maybe also armed, and if she really wants to".)

Pepper, who is a friend of her sometimes babysitter Wensleydale (Wensleydale has the _coolest_ friends), tells her it's because her parents realized they got married because of compulsory heterosexuality but didn't hold it against each other. Envy has to ask her to define the term, but it does sound reasonable. Mum sometimes goes to London and goes on dates with women, though she hasn't met anyone she gets along well enough with to bring home. And Dad _says_ he doesn't go on dates with anyone because he always gets too nervous and explodes his phone and that puts people off, but he doesn't seem as upset about it as people on TV who never date. So there's that explained, and that's that.

When she's nine she goes with her Mum to the Device family reunion in California. Mum says Dad could go, but Dad says he's afraid he would fry the airplane. Envy thinks it would be safe if he takes his PRN Xanax, but Mum says not to push him.

It turns out to be just as well.

Envy thinks the grownups sound kind of weird when Dad gets mentioned? But it's her second cousin Heresy Device who tells her that Dad is descended from the witchfinder who killed Agnes Nutter, and his family is cursed, and he was a witchfinder, and as the last descendant his marrying a witch is Agnes's Ultimate Revenge, except Mum divorcing him is even Ultimate-er because now he's both defeated and rejected.

Envy doesn't know any curses to put on him so she kicks him in the groin.

Her second cousin Apostasy, who is fifteen, breaks up the ensuing fight and tells off Heresy for telling anyone their parents divorcing was awesome and Envy for attacking people over insults.

"He's telling _lies_ about my _dad_ ," Envy says, still furious.

"Well… I'm sorry, but he's not," Apostasy says. "Agnes did arrange it — I could show you a card with the passage but, uh, I probably shouldn't."

" _You're_ not supposed to have gotten into the prophecies," Heresy says smugly. "I'll tell."

"You will _not_."

And the whole incident is covered up by mutual blackmail, although Envy tries to avoid her cousins for the rest of the reunion.

She asks Mum about it on the plane home.

"Who told you that?" Mum asks, instead of the quick denial Envy's hoping for.

"It's _true_?" Envy cries, maybe louder than she should have — the businessman across the aisle gives them a nasty look.

"It's more complicated than that," Mum said. "It's true about the descent, and maybe about the curse, and it's true Agnes predicted we'd, er, fall in love, and I was doing everything she said at that point, and technically he was a witchfinder…" Envy's expression must show her mounting horror, because Mum hurries on, "But he was only a witchfinder because Shadwell found him when he was vulnerable, and only for about a week, and he never hurt anyone with it, and— It was _never_ about revenge for me. Your dad and I were just… There was a lot going on, and we really had only each other to depend on, and…"

"Did you get swept away by the compulsory heterosexuality?" Envy asks.

"…Yes. Yes, we got swept away by the compulsory heterosexuality."

Envy nods. This isn't fully satisfactory, but she can deal. "Maybe Agnes just had compulsory heterosexuality, too. She did live a really long time ago. That makes more sense than Ultimate Revenge. What sort of revenge _is_ that even?*"

(*: When she's nineteen Envy will learn more about early modern European perceptions of sex and power, and she'll decide that form of revenge is more plausible than she thought. But that's about Agnes, not about her parents.)

**Author's Note:**

>   * ‘Device’ rather than ‘Pulsifer’ from the get-go because witches are matrilineal, and also she’s a lot more proud of her lineage. They talked about him changing his name when they got married, but his mom didn’t take the idea very well.
>   * Both of their families were VERY enthusiastic about the wedding. Both of them were made kind of uncomfortable by the other one’s family.
>   * Newt’s computer problem is actually a lot better than it was, but it’s more likely to kick in the more high-pressure a situation is, soooo… He’s learned some auto mechanic stuff so he can satisfy his urge to tinker with something that won’t melt down if he gets too nervous. He has a part-time job at the Tadfield garage but mostly they’re living off Anathema’s money.
>   * Newt and Anathema’s podcast is very eccentric and niche and sort of paranormal investigation:
>     * Newt identifies possibly weird situations – he did spot Tadfield’s suspiciously average weather (and got summarily brushed off). 
>     * Then they drive out and sometimes Anathema’s like “oh yeah that’s a ghost” or “think there’s a curse on this one” or “ley lines, probably”
>     * But sometimes she’s like “I’m not sensing anything going on here” and then they investigate to figure out what the non-magical cause of the evidence is. 
>     * In the car on the way they debate various New Age beliefs that Anathema believes and Newt doesn’t. Neither of them ever does any research to back up their opinions on this so they’re both basically just saying “it’s obvious!” and listeners either find it obnoxious or hilarious, there is no middle ground.
>     * Theoretically while recording they are “Pulse” and “Device”, but they aren’t super good at sticking to it.
> 



End file.
